I was 5 years old when my childhood was stolen from me. At least it’s my earliest recognition anyway. This started a whirlwind of occurrences and opened doors for the enemy to start his game playing in my life. I normally don’t like to talk about it, but I know it has to happen so others can heal and be encouraged as well. Most of my life, I’ve had people manipulate me and toy with my every emotion. It wasn’t until last year till I finally was diagnosed with a list of things that really rooted from those incidents. When I first read the report from the eval that was done, I was in complete denial at first. Which with my major diagnosis, it stated that I would be, ha. The one jumping at me was a type of bipolar disorder.

Now, typically when you think of this disorder, you think it’s a person who has mood swings from happy to angry. But dear friends, it is much more than you think. You see, for me in particular, I am unable to cope with the waves of depression, anxiety and anger I feel. It becomes hard for me to express or process. I usually internalize these emotions and try to stuff them down and ignore them. What is even more daunting, people around me have used this to create scenarios and situations to their favor. It would create cycles of bitterness and hurt in me. I would say I’d forgive them but before I was done forgiving that, they would start another thing I’d have to get over. With the trauma, trust was an issue for me, and also me clinging on to the idea that everyone has good in them and that they’ll soon change. This led me to a lot of unhealthy cycles I wish I broke out of much sooner.

The abuse with that first person lasted years. I was 12 when I finally had enough courage to speak to them. I met someone who was being abused in a similar matter with the same person. And, I spoke on our behaves to the abuser. (Our parents were not aware of this going on till we were young adults) It was a very silly conversation looking back. I had to tell our abuser we now had “boyfriends” for him to leave us alone. We were so young and naive. We were groomed to think it was ok and normal and were threatened to keep quiet. We were made to do unspeakable things. We felt things children should not. This created the first lies rooted in the mental stronghold I faced until last year really.

“I don’t matter”. I deserve all the bad that happens to me”. “I am worthless”.

I grew up with my walk in Christ thinking that everyone deserves mercy from the Lord except me. And how could I complain? Worse has happened to others. And I just needed to swallow and go on.

What we don’t realize, is, when we allow these thoughts to shape our mindset, we hold back from allowing the power of God to liberate our minds from the lies. It makes us faithless. How can we believe in miracles for others but not ourselves? I grew up in religious thinking. I was constantly condemning myself and not allowing God to work fully in my life. God is a gentlemen. He will only work in us if we allow Him to. And sometimes we stop that from happening with our faithless mindsets.

Last year, I read a book by the evangelist, David Diga Hernandez, titled: Holy Spirit Bondage Breaker. WHAT A GAME CHANGER. That’s how I was even able to see the root lies and mental strongholds. It has really changed my walk with God and I am so grateful for encountering it. I encourage everyone to read it! He also has some powerful videos on YouTube.

In the past few weeks, I’ve encountered a heavy wave of depression trying to stop me from doing God’s work. And the enemy will come to try to stop us from doing what God wants us to do. He knows what worked in the past to try to get us down. But I want to share an important bible verse with you that is helping me. I am hanging on a thread, but I am trying to hang on the thread of His garment.

II Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)♥

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I am still a work in progress, but I will keep fighting to heal. Please continue to pray for me as we navigate this current tough season my family and I are in♥